The Rock as President: Which WWE Superstars Make His Cabinet? – Bleacher Report
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Former WWE Superstar and highest-paid actor in Hollywood Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson recently said it’s a “real possibility” he will run for president in the future. So, there’s a “real possibility” that someone is going to get a Rock Bottom in the Oval Office. Am I hearing that correctly? That there’s a “real possibility” Syrian President Bashar Assad is getting checked into the Smackdown Hotel? Yes, I understand that the Rock is a “character” and “not actually a person in real life.” Donald Trump’s hair doesn’t flip forward into a soft-serve fro-yo shape naturally, either.
We’re all living in a grotesque surrealist painting come to life right now, so let’s embrace it. Let’s elect The Rock our next president because he said so in GQ. After all, don’t you want a leader who actually knows how to take a Stone Cold Stunner rather than one who simply goes limp and falls on his face like a 300-pound bag of dry macaroni?
In a world in which The Rock is president, his cabinet must, by definition, feature other characters from WWE. His selecting real human beings is not only boring—it makes next to no sense. If you think I’m wrong, well, it doesn’t matter what you think in The Rock’s America.
Here, then, is The Rock’s cabinet—the People’s Cabinet, or at least we hope it’s the People’s Cabinet. Let’s assume this is the babyface Rock we’re dealing with, since we already have a Corporate Cabinet now. And if you think that was a partisan joke, let me remind you that the current Secretary of State was the CEO of ExxonMobil until a few months ago.
The People’s Secretary of State
This is a primarily diplomatic position, requiring the person in the job to travel to far-flung nations, foster amity and defuse conflicts between world powers. That immediately disqualifies most professional wrestling characters, since, more often than not, they are starting conflicts and solving them with their fists rather than talking them through.
That’s why I’m selecting former WWE manager Brother Love, as portrayed by Bruce Prichard in the late 1980s and early 1990s. Brother Love was a parody of the televangelists of the era, like Jim Bakker, who spewed fiery invectives and issued stern warnings to non-believers. That doesn’t sound very wholesome, but Brother Love’s catchphrase, “Just because I love you, doesn’t mean I like you,” is the perfect kind of doublespeak for international diplomacy.
The People’s Press Secretary
As we’ve seen from past press secretaries, the goal is to talk around the most pointed questions, hoping the dizzying number of words you spit out will confuse as many journalists as possible. What you need here is someone who can cut a long, meandering promo that confuses the White House press corps. Something like, “People are sheep, you understand me. They can’t lead themselves; they need to be led. People buy and sell fear. They worship war, they crave war, but I’m not afraid of their wars. I created war. And I think it’s time for the masses to wake up. Wake up. WAKE UP! Wake up and look at this lie they’re living in, man!”
Congratulations, Press Secretary Bray Wyatt! Now, explain to me how Randy Orton got back to the arena after he left the House of Horrors.
The People’s Secretary of Transportation
America runs on Diesel Power now, folks. Secretary of Transportation Kevin Nash’s first official action is to book himself to win the annual White House Easter Egg hunt. When asked how he feels watching all those children crying on the White House lawn, Nash says, “It was best for business.”
The real Kevin Nash is not actually a truck driver, nor does he have any particular experience in government. Then again, neither does the character Diesel. That said, he does have beautiful, beautiful hair. That’s gotta stand for something.
The People’s Attorney General
There’s only one man you want in charge of the United States’ legal system: Stone Cold Steve Austin. Before he takes the job, we’re going to have to rename the position “Sheriff of America” and purchase him a special ATV that he can ride from the White House to the Supreme Court Building.
The People’s Secretary of Defense
Sgt. Slaughter. Not only does he understand our military, but he’s also a former officer of the Iraqi Army. There can’t possibly be a better person to help support our Iraqi allies than that guy.
The People’s Secretary of the Treasury
I can already hear everyone screaming “Million Dollar Man,” but that’s absurd. The Million Dollar Man only knows how to spend money. He doesn’t understand complex economic policy or how to enact regulations on the banking system that will limit abuses from the private sector, but also don’t unduly restrict growth. If you love inflation, by all means, pick Ted DiBiase. My choice is Stephanie McMahon. Sure, she’s vindictive, morally questionable and possibly psychotic (the character, that is), but she’s also very wealthy and has been groomed since birth to maintain and grow that wealth. Do we even know how the Million Dollar Man made his money? No, we don’t. For all we know, a briefcase full of cash could have fallen out of the sky.
Secretary of Energy
Who has more energy than the Ultimate Warrior? All that running and screaming. You get it.
The most important position in the president’s inner circle is, of course, the VP. No one has shown more chemistry with The Rock than Mick Foley. The Rock’n’Sock Connection is one of the most beloved tag teams in WWE history and is responsible for the highest-rated segment in Monday Night Raw’s decades on the air. They might not always agree, but that’s what we want from our elected officials—healthy debate and constructive tension, like Lincoln’s Team of Rivals or the 2004 Los Angeles Lakers. Added bonus: Foley gives all of his press briefings through Mr. Socko.
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